Walking Madness – Waking Up at 5:20 A.M.

I’ve always dreaded fall, it’s that time of year where everything seems to die, and I die with it. It’s the prelude of winter, another season full of dread, cold, loneliness. I wonder at times if there’s really something to this Seasonal Depression they have told me about (well I was diagnosed with it among other things). It’s been over a week since I had a decent night of sleep, I wake up several times at night and am pounded by dreams and nightmares so vivid, they make reality look like a walk in the park. I’m moody, and resentful, tired and bitchy, but most of all I have a migraine which makes everything else fade in comparison. In recent days I’ve had something else happen to me never experienced before; I have this taste in my mouth like I’ve been eating earth dirt mixed with some chemicals and metals, all meshed up in one. It’s so weird and so it’s even hard to explain this taste which has made eating a chore. How I wish I could cry, but I can’t. Was never very good at that, but damn was I ever good at bottling up grief and let it ferment. I’m surrounded by vulgar people, so vulgar they make you wanna vomit right there and then. I freaking hate it. Faces with just mouths attached to them nothing more. I see myself as emotionally rational, yet I seem to be unable to rationalize my emotions. They take over and become reality, sometimes even truth. Every pretty face on this blog hurts me so much, because not only I’ll never have one of them, but not even half of that. It may sound superficial, to put so much emphasis on a face, a man, a model, yet I need sometimes, and why not? What’s wrong with wanting a pretty face, even though it might just last till morning? But have none of that is worse, I have a big bed and nothing to show for. Sometimes a pretty face is all I want, I’ll still feel empty afterwards, but at least one of these nights I won’t be sleeping alone.

How I hate my current situation


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