When Life Throws You Lemons You Get a Shiner

 

There are moments when you feel as if life and the world are conspiring against you in any way possible. After being sick with a really bad feverless flu for over two weeks and after having to work when I was feeling my worst, and at the same time work being so slow I wanted to scream my lungs out from boredom, I finally got to take 5 days off. Obviously one cannot blame any of the aforementioned happenings because that would be futile and infantile. Yet, as much as I try to rationalize my feelings toward what happened, I seem to be inclined into being mad about the whole situation. Reason for that being, feeling helpless and not fully operational. It’s amazing how things beyond our reach, can still make us feel as if we’re incapable of handling life, when in fact we’re doing all we can to function even though the wind is blowing us back.Having said, that and being absolutely aware of my venting skills, I have to point out that most of it was not an effect of the aforementioned situations I was in, but more from an internal source of feeling alone and lonely at the same time. Abandoned to my own fate and my own life as I tried to help myself recover while everybody else was busy with their lives. It’s been said one of the features traits of a borderline personality character is the evalange of emotions spilling through and washing off anything in their path when one or more of our needs are not being met. Here  we come to the truth of the matter which caused me to write this long post; the person I had known for many years and with whom I had become intimate finally this year, told me he would never come back to my place again. I’m sure there will be those of you out there who will automatically go; awe, you poor thing, but let me stop you right there. It wasn’t unexpected, especially when you’ve met said person twice in the last 7 months. What was unexpected though was the way this person gave me the news, which was right after sex, with neither one of us having entirely caught our breaths yet. I guess one can say, this was the ultimate blow (no pun intended). I found myself naked in bed, silently listening to all the reasons of why he could never come back (for sex of course). At some point after all the unnecessary explanations the guy turns to me and goes; what’s wrong with you, why you’re not saying anything? Oddly enough my answer was very simple; I’m processing what you just told me, thus I have yet to reach a conclusion worth expressing. My answer was followed by another question by my guy; What’s there to process, all I said was that I had to take care of my business, my life which hasn’t been on track for a while now, and these are things I gotta do.

For someone who’s known to be highly emotional and blow off at any given time by the slightest trigger, I seemed to have completely gone numb. As I was laying there naked, next to the person who’d just fucked me, I felt incredulous of what I was hearing, and yet I had paved the way to this outcome four years back when I first met him. Knowing very well his character and personality, his behavior and way of doing things, his absolute self-control of mind and body (soul’s missing in action), I knew what limitation I would have had with this person in the long run, and yet, I pursued him with all my might as if he was the prize to win at a county fair or no other fluffy animal would have done the trick. Where did it get me? Well my dears, it got me where my rationale had already told me where it would get me; in bed naked, fucked (literally), listening to a person rationalize sex as if it had been one of the most important reasons holding him back in his own life, reminding myself I had never had feelings of love for him but only of lust.

Isn’t it weird when you actually know all of that and you still move forward and accomplish something you know it’s doomed from the start and than ask yourself; what happened? God knows I have to quote my bible which I’m sure those of you who know me, know which one it is – Torch Song Trilogy and it goes something like this; Arnold: There’s another group you need to watch your food stamps around: the hopeless. They break down into three major categories. Married, *just in for the weekend*, terminally straight. Those affairs are the worst! You go into a relationship with someone who’s hopeless, knowing the limitations, and accepting them maturely. Then wham-bam you’re burning black candles at midnight and writing letters to Dear Abby. And you ask yourself *what happened*? – I guess truer words were never uttered.

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