Thank you for sharing this, it is something I can relate, and just like you, I’ve been dying to get my hands on Camus works.
Now, going back to the subject matter you speak about, I can honestly and truthfully say my biggest fear in life is what Camus so eloquently writes when he says;“Each of us has the plague within him, no one, no one on earth is free from it. And I know, too, that we must keep endless watch on ourselves lest in a careless moment we breathe in somebody’s face and fasten the infection on him. – It’s a frightening thought to be stricken by such malady. I’ve seen countless of people fall pray to the so called “love” and countless of times they were killed by it. Not literally, but still emotionally killed, and it’s so true they now look tired and aged, older than their real age.
My biggest fear, my outmost phobia is love. Love for another, love for someone other than myself. It is a feeling of destruction, a dying emotion from the moment it is conceived, just as we begin to die the moment we are born.
Love is a virus, it is absolute madness, the losing of one’s self for the benefit of two souls apparent togetherness.
This is why I have never allowed myself to love, to truly fall in love with anyone. It has become second nature to me. I like, yet I do not love the person in front of me, I can’t allow that.
When I used to live in Switzerland there was a couple that accompanied me during my workday commute on the tram. Entering the tram, they were already snuggled within each others arms, forming a single entity separated from the rest of the world — sometimes silent and sometimes speaking in hush voices during the trip. They disembarked the same stop as I did, but separated. He strolled to the right and she briskly walked to the left to catch a different line, but the same as I. After boarding the next tram, at the subsequent stop, I watched the girl rush out into the arms of her love standing at the very spot her doors open. They embrace for several seconds, then the girl steps back into our tram and lightly puts her hand on her heart as she wistfully watches her love become separated from her because the tram…
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