I have been away for quite a long time now. I never thought I would come back to my blog for many reasons. After two years of writing and posting and commenting on other fellow bloggers’ posts, I was exhausted. To make matters worse I went through a period of self-seclusion and deprivation from many mundane things. During this absence I’ve had many great ideas about posts I should have written, of things troubling me and observations made while being in a “lock-up”. Yet, every time I set down to write, my thoughts had vanished, or they did not hold any sort of importance any longer. I felt lazy and lost, in my world, routine and loneliness.
The choices we make in our lives may not be the best nor well-thought at the time, but they do indeed serve a purpose, even if that same purpose is damaging. I do believe theirs is a sadomasochistic side to each and every one of us and though some have an outlet for that, others do not. For my part, I have truly outdone myself on performing the masochistic role throughout my life. There’s no judgment behind this last statement at all, I am merely expressing a truth.
I have always fought against all those (usually religious people) who believe that by denying yourself almost everything, you are closer to God and piety. My reasoning, to which sad persons are totally oblivious, is very simple; how and why would God care what you denied yourself in the first place, if He/She is ever loving and forgiving and always wants the best for his/her children? You can pick any holy book you want and believe in any god you want, yet the everlasting constant is that God, be that of the three monotheistic religions, or gods of any other one, never limit themselves when it comes excess. So why should we? As John Donne puts it; Why should reason and intent born in me, make my sins more heinous? We are creature of intent and need. We crave, we desire, we lust, we hate, we love, we loathe. We are in a nutshell, driven. Why is loss acceptable as part of life, while gain is seen as selfish, prideful and a sin? Continue reading
Photo courtesy of Timothy C. Flood – http://www.timothyflood.com
Ever since last year when I decided I had had enough of writing and maintaining my blog, I have had very little else to do but play online games. It was a choice made during a very hard period between fall and winter and a very hard struggle to reconcile work with my personal life as well as how much my job has undermined my social life and my health. I know that many people out there would be glad to have a job at all and find that my previous statement is that of someone not truly appreciating the fact that I work and can sustain myself while others struggle to make ends meet by any means necessary. Yet, having a job, though it may truly benefit you financially, is not by any means the answer to all life’s problems.
As you all are very well aware, I work the night shift, which means I have to get up every day at 1 a.m. to go to work, six days a week, putting over 50 hours a week into my job. Being more of a night person I didn’t mind at all for the first year and half. It wasn’t until much later on that I realized I was slowly falling pray of set schedule which forced me to have very little time for personal life, for meeting new people or simply going out with the friends I already have. All this became more and more evident as months kept rolling. It didn’t help that a year ago, after my last attempted relationship ordeal I decide that I would not meet anyone new for 1 year. It ‘s not the first time I make such a decision, in actuality I have done so three times in my life so far and succeeded. Now, you may ask what such a decision accomplishes? Well, it serves two purposes; on the one hand I take time off from more drama and on the other hand, it serves to prove to myself, I do not need a man in my life at all. Results from self-made polls so far indicate that yes indeed I do not need a man in my life, but there is a high percentage which indicates that such self-induced seclusion raises more health issues than the alternative.
In the past year I have been more ill than ever before in my life. I have had many issues from the head down and as of last week things are just getting worse. Even though these ailments are not life threating, so far, they have become an even greater threat to my psychological stability. You see, when someone sees him/herself as a strong, self-reliant individual, who can face anything and survive it all, it is very hard to face the fact your body is less than perfect in helping to stride forward. That is exactly what happened to me last week after many days of tests, being poked and probed like a Ginny pig. Many of you can attest to the fact how insignificant you feel at a doctor’s office. How small you feel when you’re being told one thing, to have it change at your other appointment. As if needle after needle (just so they can be on the safe side by the idea of Elimination), scans, going from doctor to specialist to doctor again, wasn’t enough at last you have to deal with the aftermath. You see, in all my years at dealing with the so called “healthcare professionals” I’ve learned one thing; what they tell you-you have-can and must be tested by YOU. I would like to give you a personal example. Last week after many test I found out much to my astonishment I not only had a lot of crystals in my kidneys, but also 3 little stones (two on one side and the bigger one on the other) as well as blood in my urine. Considering I drink 4 liters of water a day (not kidding), once a month perhaps drinking a soda just for kicks and almost never adding any extra salt to my food, it’s really amazing how much build up there’s in my kidneys. I went online and started to read about this issue and found out that in order for a doctor to truly help in this case is a test done to said stones to find out what they are actually made off. You see there are many different kinds of kidney stones (who knew right?), and by testing the composition of one of them they can determine the best treatment. So I went back to the doctor acting the usual dummy just to test her, the result you ask? She said and I quote “I know what the stones are made of just by looking at your tests, you can take this tea and you’ll be fine”. I said what about the blood in the urine of actually getting a stone and testing it? To which she replied there was nothing to worry about, what worried her most though was my liver which in both tests and Echography had shown up to be in great shape. So, now my dear friends, we switched from “you have a severe issue with you kidneys, good thing all the rest of the results is fine” to “you have nothing to worry about your kidneys, and it’s your previously perfect liver which is guilty party now”. Needless to say, I thanked her with the fakest smile I could manage and left her office.
I may have mentioned before in this same blog I have very to no respect at all for most doctors. They may take an oath, they me go extensive training to become said professionals, yet they act like they know it all without almost never fully listening to the patient or caring much about their feelings either. What do you say to a doctor which blurts out loud at the front desk of his practice you need to take an HIV test while six other of his patients look at you like you just spread Ebola in that office? Or when you ask for an STD test and the doctor replies; is there a reason for concern on your part that you’re asking to be tested? I almost wanted to go; nah, not really, I just love to be poked with a large needle; I love the adrenaline since I don’t do drugs and it’s the only way for me to feel alive somehow without having to cut myself. All these visits and test were paid out of my own pocket since I am not insured.
In conclusion, after you meet with a doctor (for whatever reason), do your own research, ask as many questions as you can and put them on the spot to test and see if they truly know what the hell they’re talking about doing to you in the short and long term.
As for my personal life, things are in limbo and will continue to be so for a long time, until I feel I’m ready both body and mind to face another person for a date.
P.S I checked this post on Blablameter and it said it had only 0.1 index bullshit, that says it all.
” Essentially, I believe that it would be unwise to simply brush off the point that a world safeguarded to the point where no one falls, is also potentially a world where no one rises.” – I guess this only sentence envelopes the whole post in a nut-shell for lack of better words. We’ve often have discussed about mine and your ideas of an egalitarian society and my position has always been that only an egalitarian society is not possible but at the same time it is not a good idea for two reasons;
1) This also brings us to the issue of who is to be the arbiter warranted with upholding the principles of an egalitarian system. The judiciary? The policymakers? And does this then bestow on these individuals a set of authority (i.e. power and privilege) that thereby creates a disparity which in itself violates the very premise of a truly egalitarian model? – I couldn’t have said it better myself and …
2) In an egalitarian society, where everyone is equal, inevitably comes a moment where there’s no progress because there’s no need nor drive for moving forward as everyone gets the same for the same amount of work or contribution to such a society.
The drive for any society has always been disparity. The poor and middle class, looks up at the apex and wants to achieve what the rich have achieved by all means necessary. Thus this brings a drive for invention and betterment by means of rivalry. If we are all equal, treated the same, having what everyone else has and lacking nothing, than what is the point of striving for more? Thus an egalitarian “regime” soon becomes obsolete and falls onto itself like a house of cards.
Let me start by saying that you, once more, have tackled an issue which is relevant and much debated, like most themes you have tackled before. So my dear AntiNietzsche congrats on yet another well worded analysis.
Now that the stroking ego hand has paused, let me get down to what I do best; comment.
First and foremost, I’d like to point out that my commentary may sound more like a tribute to the Freudian idea of sexuality apparent in most parts of an individual’s development and later on maturity. So in that spirit imagine for a moment if we swap the words “violence” for “sexuality” or even better yet “libido”. Why am I doing this? Well, it has been apparent to me for quite some time now that the sexual development of an individual is, just like in your case mentioned above, affected by television/media. Just as many studies conducted on violence attributed to television programs, so have been done when it comes to sexually explicit shows, movies, games, music and so on. As you may have experienced yourself growing up, as much as violence was prevalent in TV shows, just as much sexual innuendo (or full right sexually explicit imagery) was just as easily available to us all. I’d like to bring to your attention three cartoons I grew up watching; Inspector Lupin, The 12 Knights of the Zodiac and last but not least Sailor Moon (yeah I was a real geek), not to mention Disney’s Classic and not so classic. Let me show you what I’m talking about here;
a) Inspector Lupin was a very influential character for me for he had an insatiable sex-drive and even though this was gratuitously directed to the ladies, I couldn’t help but see him as a sex-symbol. Though the cartoon was quite graphic as I remember when it came to him fighting crime, just as much his libido was, dare I say “explosive”, so much so that it made watching him almost make me wanna “explode”. The sexual drive was so unbearable that at times it became almost violent in IT trying to express itself on the outside, which in my case were attempts from my part to be as sexually forward as he was to my male classmates.
b) The 12 Knights of the Zodiac, follows a more undercurrent of male erotica by showing 12 heroes/brothers in arms, all belonging to a brotherhood dependent on the planets and such. Yet, during each fight in each episode, though there was plenty of violence and blood, so much so that I remember fainting once, there was also a huge amount of sexual innuendo in what each character portrayed. Point in case; facial features, speech, armor/wardrobe, weapons and above all; muscles, muscles and more dripping wet muscles from sweat and blood. There was a fine line between heroism and sadomasochism in it. Needless to say, their long swords were quite an easy attempt to once again use them as extensions of their masculinity for lack of direct phallus exposure to the audience.
c) What can I say for Jennifer Love Hewitt a.k.a Sailor Moon? I know most girls grew up watching her fight crime and all sorts of other dangers with her little school girl outfit which left very little to the imagination for the male counterparts. I’m sure it derived from the fondness of Asian males for such outfits as portrayed in many porn movies made there as much as it may have perpetuated the idea even further. Now, since I was never interested in a sexy little girl fighting crime by showing her underwear and perfect round breasts as much as she could, I did identify with her as a heroine I would one day love to be, just so I could get all the other guys’ attention.
I went to all this trouble of explaining these three characters to prove a point which I mentioned above, sexuality/libido and violence go hand in hand. So much so that in recent studies of different countries in the world have shown that the amount of violence & violent acts is at par by the amount of sexual expression or repression such a country/society has on its subjects.
Now, I understand we are talking about how media influences behavior in children and adolescents and it may have looked like I forgot that part with my explanations mentioned above, but trust me, it’s far from it. I am a fervent advocate of sexuality and libido being inborn and developing further more with the help not of parents but media, be that television, games or print. When such an innate- animal like desire for self-expression cannot be directly acquired as it is mostly the case, it must express itself using other venues, case in point would be video games. It is the slashing, kicking, killing and more that gives libido finally a venue for expression which would otherwise turn inwards into a hateful/loathing and at times criminal behavior.
In conclusion, I am not at all debunking what you stated and stand for, yet I’m not so sure we can easily dismiss what the studies have shown to prove otherwise either. Having said that, what I can and would like to debunk is the limited view of such researchers when it comes to violence as the sole cause and effect of media. Children and above all adolescents are far more sexual than they are violent. It is the subdued sexual urge which turns a person violent. Not to sound graphic or plain nasty, but it is a bully’s incapability of self-expression which lashes out as violence when indeed all he/she wants to do is reach orgasm.