Infernal Deity of a Psychotic Mind – The Silence Within

THE SILENCE WITHIN

By

Lucianus Mauricius

One thing can be said about being treated for depression and other personality and mood disorders, it is highly educational. The same time you are being tested and evaluated by many so called ‘specialists’, you also are rediscovering your own ability to endure and heal when possible. Endurance through hard times, when life seems to be slipping away and nothing or no one can help you get through anything at all, is what makes you feel powerless and prone to anger outbursts as well as suicidal ideation. As you are being evaluated and your prognosis changes, you realize that there are several different changes needed to be made, starting with new medications which may or may not help, and continuing with other medications and therapy in order to reclaim your life, or at least parts of it. You feel so empty inside, and that void is like a hungry mouth which never gets full no matter how much you feed it. Your mood swings take you on a rollercoaster which is devastating by day’s end. And finally you’re alone once again, abandoned by those you though were friends, family members, confidants and so on. You feel as if no one cares, and also no one understands you, you seem to be the only person on earth speaking a bizarre language which is incomprehensible to others in your life, and your surroundings seem to be always morphing into some abstract photoshoped picture with dreadful hanging edges and color strikes so acute, would make Dali bitch slap someone for it. You walk the streets trying to find a reason for being, and of course there is none, or at last none you can find. You keep asking the same question over and over again in hopes that you will finally have a “Eureka” moment and get that answer; why am I here? Most times you blame it all on others, the world, the Universe, God and so on, but some of us blame it on the inside. The guilt of being the way we are, the shame of bitching about our aches and pains and emotional death, as we realize we’re making people feel uncomfortable. Other times we want to scream till blood comes out of our mouths and ears just for that same reason, how can no one understand and abandon us? Sometimes we walk that fine line between reality and dream, and we’re not quite sure which one is which. We try to make sense of what others say and do, and we’re quite capable of doing so in a very professional manner, yet others have some sort of Down syndrome while trying to understand us. There are moments we would like to choke the life out of every one who’s hurt us with or without intent, yet we do not, it is that self-control that keeps us from going to jail yet eats us alive as rage is internalized. So long sleepless nights, trying to find comfort in strangers, trying to connect to some fictive person somewhere for the sake of having a conversation which you’ve long had had not with your friends or loved ones. Those nights full of anguish and nightmares, as you wake up screaming from what you were trying to escape, and once asleep again you realize there still there waiting for you. It is a spiral down hell’s mouth and back out again. It’s like being yo-yoed from one feeling to the next and it’s all unrest. How many different medications have any of you been on, ten, twenty, thirty, forty? I have stopped counting long time ago, and now I find myself no better than 13 years ago when I first tried to kill myself. That night, as I walked on a red light hoping to get hit, I remember nothing more than just the feeling of being underwater, some gurgling and distorted voices, and I could see nothing but blurred lights ahead of me and the occasional honking of the cars passing me by.

 

39 Comments

  1. My favorite part: “The guilt of being the way we are, the shame of bitching about our aches and pains and emotional death, as we realize we’re making people feel uncomfortable.”
    Many of the people in my life are still in denial about my disorder. They think I can “snap out of it” and shut me out when I bring it up. Unfortunately, I let it get to me and now I won’t bring it up.
    But, on the flip side; I am grateful that they don’t get it because that would mean they had it too, and I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone. Thanks for sharing.

    Like

    • Thanks for reading it, most people have read it, yet no one has commented, which means they don’t get it, they don’t get me. Mine is not just a mental disorder, it’s much more than that, it my everyday life, my existence in this world.

      Like

  2. I couldn’t have expressed any of this better myself. It’s as if you’ve tapped into the underlying consciousness of the disorders themselves. They too, have a distinct personality. Thank you for sharing.

    Like

    • Thank you for reading it and for you feedback. What I write is my life experiences with not only psychological disorders, but everyday life situations, interpersonal relationships, love, beliefs, communication and so on. It still amazes me people have such little understanding of the above mentioned, as well as little willpower to learn more, or at least read about them just out of curiosity. Once again thank you and I would encourage you to read my Open Journal segment, in there you’ll find something regarding every topic I feel it’s important for me to write about…

      Like

  3. Awesome writing. Totally something I can relate to.

    Like

  4. I just want to let you know that you’ve been nominated for the versatile-blogger-award. Check out the rules and all on my blog.
    Thanks.

    Like

  5. Great writing, I definitely respect how honest you are about your deepest emotions/fears.

    Like

  6. Where have you been? I’m a little worried, I haven’t heard from you in a while now. You OK?

    Like

    • Hello Jamie. I’m sorry haven’t been able to read nor answer your posts lately. My work schedule has changed, and right now I’m going through that rough period of getting used to waking up at 1.20 am, 2.20 am and 3.20 am and go to work. How u been? I read some of your most recent posts and I wanted to answer back, yet I could get my thought together into a coherent way. I promise I’ll read and reply to your posts ASAP

      Like

      • OK, good. I worry about ya! 😉

        Like

        • Thank hon, means a lot. It’s just that I’ve been going through so many changes in the last few weeks and I feel disoriented and tired as hell, but I keep on going forward, if nothing else, just so I can take care of myself, cose no one else will…

          Like

  7. http://robertorayne.blogspot.com/p/reason.html
    that’s all I can say

    Like

  8. This is one of the deepest “About” pages I have read…maybe because it is very open, with a tinges of melancholy. A lot of times I have read “positive” About pages, yours is depressing, and that’s why I like it — it’s different…it’s honest. I expect more of such clarity in your writing as I follow.

    Like

  9. I am paying it forward and awarding the versatile blogger award to you.
    You deserve it!

    ~ Miss Kitty Roads
    (http://misskittyroads.wordpress.com/2012/05/10/versatile-blogger/)

    Like

    • Thank you for nominating me. It’s amazing to be given this award twice, I guess something I post must really strike a cord with you and other who read and pay attention to it’s meaning. Thanks again for nominating me, it’s an honor.

      Like

  10. […] Infernal Deity of a Psychotic Mind : name explains it all. […]

    Like

  11. Lucianus,

    Very interesting site. It will take me some time to read through a lot of this. I wouldn’t mind hearing your thoughts on subjects that occur to me from time to time. I recently began a blog I am using to express my thoughts; it’s an exercise in communication as well as introspection. Might not interest you, but I would like to hear what you think.

    I’m sure you may have clicked the link to my profile. Should you ever need to talk, like I said, I would be happy to listen.

    Hope to talk soon.

    Like

    • What the hell Tom? Yesterday your blog was totally into how you’ve spent 20 something years in the marine corps and have been a leader and counselor to so many and today I click your profile and i find The Loving Narcissist, what’s with that? Can you please explain whatcha going for? Is one or both some sort of alter ego expressions?
      See, what I’m trying to understand is if you’re actually serious about what you’re writing and most of all what you’re offering to do for people in need?

      Like

      • Thanks for the reply. Absolutely serious. The Loving Narcissist is my thoughts, my blogs, for others to chew on and hopefully get feed back. Free Counsel is just that. I have been through much with many and survived well. I am very near the end of a career in the USMC, 21 credits shy of a BA in Psychology with the intent to earn no less than a Master in Behavioral Psychology.

        I appreciate your candor and questions. I hope you can see I am very serious. Loving Narcissist is my journey to help exercise some of my thoughts and issues. Free Counsel is everyone else’s journey. I will stay impartial, objective, and honest with the help I give there. If at any point you asked why, or still do, this is all with the intention of learning more about how we come to do the things we do. If you haven’t read my post for today on the LN site, it’s a little long but I think you might get a little better understanding of the why. Maybe I’ll see you there. Above all, I was serious when I said I would listen

        Like

        • Ok, fair enough. In the mean time I’m gonna need to read more of your postings in order to get a better idea of who you are and what you’re trying to convey with your postings. This way I can understand better your way of doing things and what’s you’re really all about. I’m sure you understand that it’s hard to take everything one offers for face value unless you know a little more about them, and that can be achieved through reading what and how they write things regarding all sorts of topics. Keep on writing and I’m sure I’ll have something to comment about, after all it’s all I’m in here for besides my own postings.

          Like

          • Thank you again for your reply, Lucianus. I look forward to the possible talks we might have.

            Like

  12. […] Infernal Deity of a Psychotic Mind – The Silence Within […]

    Like

  13. For appealing to my darker side, for making me think, for lots of eye candy and feeding my fantasies for unavailable men even though I’m pretty much a lesbian by now! I nominated you for The Liebster Award. 🙂 http://justcassie.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/liebster-award/

    Like

  14. Dear Lucianus,

    Thank you very much for visiting my blog. I appreciate it a lot. Your kind words are touching. Your observations are so true and are a great recognition for the hard work of the photographers.

    Love,
    Cos

    Like

    • It was a pleasure to run into your blog, and it’s a great work you show in there. It’s not just the male beauty perse, it’s more the way it is photographed, with all it’s intricate setting, lighting and so on.
      Thank you for posting such wonderful works.

      Luc

      Like

  15. […] Infernal Deity of a Psychotic Mind – The Silence Within […]

    Like

  16. […] Infernal Deity of a Psychotic Mind – The Silence Within […]

    Like

  17. […] Infernal Deity of a Psychotic Mind […]

    Like

  18. […] Infernal Deity of a Psychotic Mind – The Silence Within […]

    Like

  19. […] Infernal Deity of a Psychotic Mind – The Silence Within […]

    Like

  20. I have created a new YOU-NIQUE award which I have nominated you for because I think you are special! Further details here. http://justcassie.wordpress.com/2013/05/04/you-nique-award/

    Like

  21. Hello,

    This is Brock, one of the models on your page. I am flattered for you sharing my work however I’ve had major issues with family and getting good jobs because of my past online presence. Please remove these photos of me from your site. You will be helping me out a great deal.

    Thank you for your help. I have a three year old daughter to support. God bless you.

    Brock
    240-285-1306

    Like

    • Hi Brock

      I just removed the blog I had posted. Sorry it took me this long, but I almost never go inot my blog anymore.

      Have a great day.

      Like


Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

  • Calendar

    • April 2017
      M T W T F S S
      « Apr    
       12
      3456789
      10111213141516
      17181920212223
      24252627282930
  • Search