Self-Preservation
Photo courtesy of Timothy C. Flood – http://www.timothyflood.com
Ever since last year when I decided I had had enough of writing and maintaining my blog, I have had very little else to do but play online games. It was a choice made during a very hard period between fall and winter and a very hard struggle to reconcile work with my personal life as well as how much my job has undermined my social life and my health. I know that many people out there would be glad to have a job at all and find that my previous statement is that of someone not truly appreciating the fact that I work and can sustain myself while others struggle to make ends meet by any means necessary. Yet, having a job, though it may truly benefit you financially, is not by any means the answer to all life’s problems.
As you all are very well aware, I work the night shift, which means I have to get up every day at 1 a.m. to go to work, six days a week, putting over 50 hours a week into my job. Being more of a night person I didn’t mind at all for the first year and half. It wasn’t until much later on that I realized I was slowly falling pray of set schedule which forced me to have very little time for personal life, for meeting new people or simply going out with the friends I already have. All this became more and more evident as months kept rolling. It didn’t help that a year ago, after my last attempted relationship ordeal I decide that I would not meet anyone new for 1 year. It ‘s not the first time I make such a decision, in actuality I have done so three times in my life so far and succeeded. Now, you may ask what such a decision accomplishes? Well, it serves two purposes; on the one hand I take time off from more drama and on the other hand, it serves to prove to myself, I do not need a man in my life at all. Results from self-made polls so far indicate that yes indeed I do not need a man in my life, but there is a high percentage which indicates that such self-induced seclusion raises more health issues than the alternative.
In the past year I have been more ill than ever before in my life. I have had many issues from the head down and as of last week things are just getting worse. Even though these ailments are not life threating, so far, they have become an even greater threat to my psychological stability. You see, when someone sees him/herself as a strong, self-reliant individual, who can face anything and survive it all, it is very hard to face the fact your body is less than perfect in helping to stride forward. That is exactly what happened to me last week after many days of tests, being poked and probed like a Ginny pig. Many of you can attest to the fact how insignificant you feel at a doctor’s office. How small you feel when you’re being told one thing, to have it change at your other appointment. As if needle after needle (just so they can be on the safe side by the idea of Elimination), scans, going from doctor to specialist to doctor again, wasn’t enough at last you have to deal with the aftermath. You see, in all my years at dealing with the so called “healthcare professionals” I’ve learned one thing; what they tell you-you have-can and must be tested by YOU. I would like to give you a personal example. Last week after many test I found out much to my astonishment I not only had a lot of crystals in my kidneys, but also 3 little stones (two on one side and the bigger one on the other) as well as blood in my urine. Considering I drink 4 liters of water a day (not kidding), once a month perhaps drinking a soda just for kicks and almost never adding any extra salt to my food, it’s really amazing how much build up there’s in my kidneys. I went online and started to read about this issue and found out that in order for a doctor to truly help in this case is a test done to said stones to find out what they are actually made off. You see there are many different kinds of kidney stones (who knew right?), and by testing the composition of one of them they can determine the best treatment. So I went back to the doctor acting the usual dummy just to test her, the result you ask? She said and I quote “I know what the stones are made of just by looking at your tests, you can take this tea and you’ll be fine”. I said what about the blood in the urine of actually getting a stone and testing it? To which she replied there was nothing to worry about, what worried her most though was my liver which in both tests and Echography had shown up to be in great shape. So, now my dear friends, we switched from “you have a severe issue with you kidneys, good thing all the rest of the results is fine” to “you have nothing to worry about your kidneys, and it’s your previously perfect liver which is guilty party now”. Needless to say, I thanked her with the fakest smile I could manage and left her office.
I may have mentioned before in this same blog I have very to no respect at all for most doctors. They may take an oath, they me go extensive training to become said professionals, yet they act like they know it all without almost never fully listening to the patient or caring much about their feelings either. What do you say to a doctor which blurts out loud at the front desk of his practice you need to take an HIV test while six other of his patients look at you like you just spread Ebola in that office? Or when you ask for an STD test and the doctor replies; is there a reason for concern on your part that you’re asking to be tested? I almost wanted to go; nah, not really, I just love to be poked with a large needle; I love the adrenaline since I don’t do drugs and it’s the only way for me to feel alive somehow without having to cut myself. All these visits and test were paid out of my own pocket since I am not insured.
In conclusion, after you meet with a doctor (for whatever reason), do your own research, ask as many questions as you can and put them on the spot to test and see if they truly know what the hell they’re talking about doing to you in the short and long term.
As for my personal life, things are in limbo and will continue to be so for a long time, until I feel I’m ready both body and mind to face another person for a date.
P.S I checked this post on Blablameter and it said it had only 0.1 index bullshit, that says it all.
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Infernal Deity of a Psychotic Mind 
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