Asian Porn / A Big, Noisy, Scary Mess…

Yes, I know what you’re thinking; you watch straight porn??? Yes I do. It’s always been a pet peeve of mine to watch what heterosexuals do in bed, because it the closest I’m ever gonna get to it. I love watching porn from around the world, it’s fun, and even though sex is sex, there’s something fascinating about Asian porn. Let me explain why…

Knowing a bit about the Asian culture, has made wonder how they have sex, since they seem culturally adverse to show any kind of affection, which was pointed out by my Chinese friend a few days ago, who told me they don’t use the word Love to express said feeling to each other. Instead what they do is they give or make gifts for each other to express love. Ok, fair enough. Now, back to the point…

“NOW This is What I Call… Sexy???”

As you watch the start of each of these movies you begin to notice that guys are ughlyy… and this coming from a guy who’s very much attracted to Asian guys, or as it is referred to in my community as being a “rice queen”. Not only that, but they look like they just got outta jail and the word “pussy” sends them into a raging outburst of pheromones, and endorphins.

Girls start always with the “Geisha Hand’ like; OMG is he gonna do what I think he’s gonna do to me? And I’m like; BITCH, THAT’S WHAT U GETTING PAID FURR TO DO! – Side note here; they always seem to be underage as well, so I guess that proves I’m a pedophile now. 😉There’s barely any kissing, and I do mean barely, cuz it seems that’s too intimate so better to cut straight to the chase.

“The Future is NOW”

Lo and behold, out of nowhere we see this over-sized vibrating dildo which looks more like a 23^rd century Star Trek gimmick Captain Kirk would use on any alien species, except Klingon (cuz he knows he’s gonna get his ass kicked), than an actual dildo. The head of such a device is shaped like a WWII bunker with some round spikes on the sides, and the way it’s used it’s not to penetrate like some American pro counterparts do in some movies (I’m gonna write a special blog later), but to be rubbed around the vagina just cause the guy is too lazy to lick it himself.

Now comes my favorite part. For all you in the not know, Asian girls tend to make these noises during sex that seem more like a baby does when they’re not happy about something. Oh yeah, they even pretend to cry. And once more I’m like; BITCH THAT’S WHAT YOU GET PAID TO DO, SO DON’T BE CRYING. I COULDN’T GET THAT EVEN IF I PAID FURR!!!

“I Thought She’s Dying”

And don’t get me started about the faces they make, it’s like watching Margaret Cho at her first HBO special making fun of Asian people by tilting her had back and her neck swell up three times the size. What’s wrong with this picture? Is this suppose to turn me on, or is it to make me wish I were there and giving pointers to both parties on how to do it right. I wish I were in that room as they’re shooting and shouting derogatory comments at them. I’d be one hell of a bitch of a director, trust me on this. To top it all off, the sexual act looks more like an Asian horror flick than actually fun for the whole family to watch. There are noises and faces and pounding in there I don’t believe exist in real life. You wanna jump out of your chair and go dial 911 to call an ambulance and a surgeon, cuz something just got tore up. Hence the ideal phrase; I tore that ass up!

In conclusion, as much fun as it is to explore other culture’s sexual practices, word of advice; ask for references before you get the movie, cuz god knows whatcha gonna get yourself into.

“Know Thyself”

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