And The Band Played ON

Remember the good old days when Islamic terrorist were part of movies from Back to The Future to Long Kiss Goodnight? The threat was always there to remind us, the audience, how they could harm us and the rest of the world yet that is when it all stopped. In recent weeks, with the Paris killings and other threats, I have been ever worried of something, which seems to spin out of control in many countries in Europe and beyond. The number of those from western as well as eastern European countries, which have joined, IS is not truly known empirically, but the effect it has caused in Europe is felt on a daily basis.

In Response to The AntiNietzsche and The Rationality of Suicide

It’s very interesting you chose the topic of suicide for your last post. I must say that you have very carefully covered all the bases on which most people chose to “judge” such an act on any individual which has carried it through. Unfortunately, I myself have been faced with those same “commercial statements” most people use against such and act a survivor of at least 3 attempts to end my life. Now, you and other readers may say that I am biased in my remarks listed below, but it’s not the case. I’m fully aware of the many reasons which drive a person to end their own life as I am of the consequences of those left behind. One point that must be stressed above all though, is that of how complete strangers (unrelated to the suicide-r) act upon hearing of such an act. It’s very true what you mention and I quote; “revulsion, condescension, and condemnation of the very idea”, which in itself is an oxymoronic reaction to say the least and absolute falsity and self-righteousness at the most.

“How dare you?  Don’t you know that life is sacred?”

– As you very eloquently mentioned, the supposed sanctity of one’s life is a mere point of view from the outside observer of the act. Those who hold dearly to religious beliefs of any denomination are against it because of the indoctrination that life is a gift from some deity up there somewhere, in the clouds deciding who comes into this world and what such an individual is required to accomplish with that s/he has been give i.e. life. To them, the act of ending one’s life is a sin and thus they react accordingly to this set of belief system. The sanctity of life has as much to do with suicide as religion has to do with saving one’s soul. It is one thing to find something “sacred” and another to shove that on anyone’s throat as absolute truth and OBLIGATION towards others and one’s self. It has very little weight on the whole of one’s life and misery for that matter, as it doesn’t hold much water under careful scrutiny. As Lord Henry Wotton says in The Picture of Dorian Gray; “Only the sacred things are worth touching.” So life or ending of it is my Sancta Sanctorum right to end.

“How dare you?  You’re going to die one day anyway, so you might as well appreciate the gift of life you’ve been given no matter how bad you might think it is.”

– It is an absolute truth, we’re all going to die be that today or in 100 years. Considering the strides modern medicine has made to lengthen life on this little rock amidst black matter this means two things;

–         a) You can live a long fulfilling, productive and happy life

–         b) You can become so engulfed by personal tragedy, loss or finding yourself obsolete among those surrounding you, to the point of insanity setting in and making it home for itself. I can only think of Edgar Allan Poe as an example which you have covered extensively in your previous posts.

The point of living life for the sake of living is contrary to any logical mind trying to understand the world s/he lives in and his/her place in it. Once again we’re bashed with “The Gift” of life, we were so fortunate to have been given by the same deity/ies mentioned above and once more such a statement doesn’t hold against scrutiny of a reasonable mind. One may argue, as I have argued myself many times over, that if life was such a gift, than what had I done to deserve a re-wrapped one? Why reason and intent born in me, after carefully determining current or previous predicaments, comes to one and only conclusion, to end it all? Is it because of lack of determination to change one’s situation, or is it because of outside forces who determinately come rushing in wave after wave and pushing back any effort an individual tries to undertake? At such a point/s in life, how much more of a gift life is? What is its real value and if it indeed has any, why it has been devalued with time, pretty much like any currency used in human history? It seems to me, these individuals value more the sadistic ideal of suffering no matter what, pretty much like Mother Teresa used to believe as she left people die in strides and did not allow doctors to save them, but instead chose to let them run their course in a “dignified” way with a piece of cloth on the floor for them to rest before actually ending their existence due to something which could have easily saved their lives. Of course this is almost an absolute of a one-sided spectrum, but one does not have to live in filth to actually want to end their life. At times, it takes much less than that, but yet still, it is quite a miserable existence to which the end has to come for the sake of being human up until the end. This reminds me of my own grandmother who’s 85. She’s been suffering all her life, and for over 25 years has been living with debilitating diabetes and high blood pressure. She always talks about how she wants to die, yet she refuses to end her life by not taking her insulin, because and I quote; “it’s a sin and only He (looks up) has the right and decides when it’s time for me to go.” And while she insist on this last part, she’s bed-ridden and being fed like a baby, changed pampers like a baby and leaving others to ask for days off work while she insist on living for the sake or sanctity of life given to her as a gift. I fully believe it is much crueler to exist that way than actually go.  It is sadomasochistic and selfish as it is for those attending to her every need. My mother would rather see her live a few more years like that than actually let her go and this is the most selfish reason of all. We do not and refuse to let others go for our own selfish reasons, something said to me many years ago and I quote; “You have the obligation to live for me and your sister. How can you live us like this, alone?”

“How dare you?  Suicide is an act of cowardice.  You should face your problems instead of running from them.”

– This is something I’ve had to endure and argue against all my life. Many people I’ve encountered have said such a thing to me or others. In their minds the act of suicide is cowardice because as they say; “It’s the easy way out”. Is it? Are you sure about that? Have you even been in front of a street with running traffic and actually walked right in the middle of it? Do you know what it feels like to feel the air pressure change as the cars sway around you trying not to hit you? Have you ever sat in front of a table full of a variety of pills (mostly anti-anxiety, antidepressants, anti-psychotics  and mood stabilizers) bottle upon bottle you’ve been taking for years that has done nothing for you, while those who could have made a difference are somewhere out there working and living their lives oblivious to say the least of your needs as much as careless to give you the only thing you actually need; support? Does anyone have any idea how much planning goes into a suicide? Any idea at all? I doubt that, and that’s why IT… IS… NOT… EASY, far from it. Now one may argue that instead of spending so much time trying to coordinate an act of suicide, one could very easily use that time to “get out” of the predicament their in. The problem with that way of reasoning is that one may try to do so, but one seldom gets and not for lack of trying I tell you. It is these same people who gave up on you before you even did so for yourself. The ones who frown upon hearing you’re seeing a therapist when you could save at least money talking to them instead. Who needs therapy when you have supporting friends and family, and who needs friends and family when you have e therapist who is much more helpful? That’s the dichotomy.

A Brand You Can Trust

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That’s a Straight Guy for Ya…

Have you ever wondered what sex is like with a “straight” guy? Have you ever met a guy who has every attribute you associate with a good time, hot-steamy-sex and more? Well let me paint a scenario for you. Lets just say you meet such a guy and he says he’s straight, which right there should make you wanna do a 180 and flee, but you stay hoping for the best. Now, in my 30 something years as a professional gay man, I’ve encountered many of these species of men and it always ends up the same way. It starts with a hot, passionate, out of this world night (or afternoon) of passion and then, all of a sudden, as soon as they cum, they’re up on their feet, dressed and out the door faster than you can say; your cum tasted good (at least try to). Well my darling, that’s a closet case for ya, so beware.

And let’s not forget the religious types, those who must juggle between religious sermons and sexual ones. Those who on Sundays tell believers about the evils of this earthly life and the difference between right and wrong and one hour later they’re at your place doing exactly what they preached against. The ones who say to you; I’ll be back after Ramadan, who fast all day and sway away from other earthly goods for the sake of saving their miserable souls for the next 11 months. In here lies the agony of the most absolute of treacherous hypocrisies.

How many breeders do you know who talk about pussy and their latest conquest all day long, just to die for a piece of cock all night? I know many of such individuals; they surround me like muddy flood waters. They disgust me. I wanna vomit so hard to make Janis Joplin look like a debutant.  Those same individuals are the first in life to attack anyone who seems “different” though being different is not as much part of the attacked as much as it of the attacker. These self-loathing individuals, who are so horrified they will be found out, are the ones who are able to commit atrocities against others. It is such scum who’ll fuck you and slash your throat afterwards.  

Lucianus – Back With A Vengeance

Finally I’m back, after being away from my little baby for a long time due to illness, I am back. It has been quite an interesting past few weeks as I went through so much and had to deal with all on all my own. I believe it was time for me to come back. This time around and from now on there will be a noticeable difference in this blog;

I AM NOT HOLDING BACK ANYMORE!

To understand what I just said, let me give you a quick tour of my former self in this blog. I always tried to be politically correct, trying to give the best perspective without trying to offend anyone or sound as racist, heterophobic, misogynistic and so on. I have tried and bit my tongue sort of speak whenever I posted something on this page. I did so to such an extent, I completely forgot who this blog was for. It is for me, it was started by me for myself to have a venue where I could express myself, my ideas and ideals meanwhile it has turned into a crowd pleasing farce that I no longer will allow and perpetuate.

It is time to take off my white linen gloves and give a huge middle finger to everyone the rest of the world. I believe everyone has the right to self-expression as much as to self-censorship (obviously self-censorship has not been applied hard and long enough), but in NO WAY, in NO WAY I will allow anyone to direct the course of my blog, what’s posted in it and how it is presented. In NO WAY I will allow bigots and closeted self-haters to have a voice and I will fight them every step of the way till the day I die. In NO WAY I will allow anyone to get away with remarks on issues I have very strong feelings about, starting with my own personal mental and physical health as much as my rights as a human being. It is now time to go on the offensive against all those scum of the earth who dare say and DO whatever they think they can get away with, just because, as a group they feel stronger, while singled out they are ready to be harvested, and God knows how much I’d like to harvest some of them.

From now on I do not care if you’re offended by what I post, by what I write and do not care if I am right or wrong. If you don’t like it, u can unfollow me, or not check back any longer. Fuck “turn the other check” crap, Jesus sure as hell was no peace maker; he was a mental case with a mission and purpose. From now on it is ON.

After weeks of being ill and having a lot of time to think about many aspects of my life and how people affect said life, I’m back for revenge, and nothing is sweater than revenge on the rocks; shake, stir and serve. With more health issues to come, I want to make sure that in any case I will leave something behind worthwhile. I will not be forgotten as long as someone will read a post, a comment. I am sick and tired of bullshiting myself and my readers into thinking this is a cutesy blog about male beauty, black and white photography and abstract photography. It is much more than that, it is my voice, my character, personality, my soul poured into it. It is my escape route into an otherwise colliding train. It is in the end TRUTH, my own, my personal. If you feel already offended by reading so far, wait, it does get better. In the next coming weeks I will start to post everything I never dared to post, and I will comment on everything I censored myself from commenting.

It is time to be honest. Honest about religion and religious people. Honest about straight people. Honest about gay people. Honest about the politics and policies of today’s society. Honest about freedom of speech and my freedoms as an individual. I am under attack, I feel it everyday of my life and I will hold back no longer. It is not a matter of sex, race, sexual orientation, system of beliefs; you all disgust me. Some of you may be familiar with this feeling and some of you may be oblivious to it. Either way you’re all in it, you stir this shit and expect to be eatable. Some say; you must cope, you must fit in. some others say; you’re not one of us, you do not belong here, you need to be eradicated like a malignant tumor. To all goodwillings and not so, I say FUCK YOU. I’m not coping, I’m not fitting in and sure as hell you will NOT eradicate me until there is still one single breath left in me.

I bless you all with these words; May you never find death in your darkest hour, until you do right by me. Finally, a true blessing from the real Infernal Deity of a Psychotic Mind.

 

Abstract Photography – On Lone and Loneliness

“I’m lonely. And I’m lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit out of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic.”
― Augusten Burroughs, Dry

Photography by © Jerry Uelsmann

Photography by © Monica Denevan

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.”
― Henry Wadsworth LongfellowPhotography by © Balázs Kovács

Ever Been Loved by Death?

“It was as if the empty nights were made for thinking of him. And sometimes I found myself so vividly aware of him it was as if he had only just left the room and the ring of his voice were still there. And somehow, there was a disturbing comfort in that, and, despite myself, I’d envision his face.” ― Anne Rice, Interview with the Vampire

Photography by © Laurie Lipton

Fragmented Existence II

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The Burden of Knowledge

My mother always says; fools are always happy, because they don’t know what’s missing from their lives. That is so true. We all acquire knowledge in different forms and throughout our lives, in different degrees. That knowledge both empowers and burdens us. It empowers as it is used to help us navigate the labyrinth that is life itself and burdens us because most of the time we are unable to share such a  knowledge with the rest of those around us. The world as it is now, is a very dark place where knowledge is withheld or is frowned upon ad “snobism”. My life as it is, is lived in silence, shying away from closed minds who would never understand the truth that there is more to reality that what daily lives allow us to see.

Photography by © Aleksandra Lekovic

 

The Other Side of The Tunnel

Everyone who has had a near death experience speaks of a tunnel of light and going through it to the other side. They all have different tales after that as far as who they see and what they experience  but what if? What if at the end of the tunnel, on the other side, you end up like this…? I believe that’s what I would like to see, someday.

Photography by © Stephane Bocquet

 

Welcome to Illusion

The say reality is an illusion. What we perceive with our 5 senses is anything but the truth, nothing but the truth so help you Dog. So; Welcome to Illusion, that part of each of us which from time to time reminds us something’s wrong, utterly wrong with this so-called “reality”. Perhaps all we need is a good shaking up, to wake up and realize we are NOT in the matrix, we ARE the Matrix. Food for thought.

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The Light at The Side of The Tunnel

Photography and artwork by Barbara Corvino

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The Burden of Knowledge

By Vanessa Vieira

 

In The Name of Consumerism

In the name of The Father, The Son and The Holy Credit Card, I absolve you of your sins my son. Ashes to ashes, carbon footprint to carbon footprint. Amen.

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Liquid Rage

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Infernal Deity of a Psychotic Mind

The many face of … – Photography by Aurelio Monge

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Somewhere Between Alone and Lonely IV

“Goddamn it!” he yelled out, with obvious exasperation and a hint of desperation.

“Goddamn it, you’re so fucking tight!” he continued to yell at me.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, why the fuck can’t you loosen up?!” he got up, got dressed and left, as I continued to lay there in bed, as if weren’t even present… The after-void filled the room with silence – Lucianus

Bruised III – “No” is Not a Valid Answer

I laid my naked body on top of his, our faces almost touching.

– “Will we ever be more than this?” I asked,

“No,” he responded. “You’re not my type, sorry.” – Lucianus

Fragmented Existence

There exists a duality within me. Two very distinct entities called Guilt and Loss. Like all evil twins, they fight each other endlessly for supremacy of my persona. The sole other outside force trying to bring peace among chaos is called Therapist. I hate all three of them at this time. The idea of denied self-expression, unless under retaliatory judgment, is absolutely maddening. – Lucianus 2013

 

Mater Dolorosa

In Human Form Yet Not Human

Interesting fact about snakes is that if they attack to bite on a prey and they miss, venom is not expelled out of their fangs. Meanwhile men will expel anything as long as there’s a prey in sight, hit or miss.

 

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Insert Word Here _____

How many times have we tried to express what we felt about someone,  yet words either escaped us, or we simply couldn’t? Here is a nice way to let the other person fill in the doted lines with the word they think we’re trying to use and finally see if we’re both on the same page. Any word is better than silence, so use them. Remember to express yourselves, always…

Anna Karenina Revisited

“I’ve always loved you, and when you love someone, you love the whole person, just as he or she is, and not as you would like them to be.” ― Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

Overconfidence – When Reason Has Left the Bulding

Xerxes Revisited

It is not the lash they fear, it is my divine power. But I am a generous god. – Xerxes (300)

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Field of Dreams

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Male Erotica – Abnormal Dreams

Truly fertile Music, the only kind that will move us, that we shall truly appreciate, will be a Music conducive to Dream, which banishes all reason and analysis. One must not wish first to understand and then to feel. Art does not tolerate Reason. – Albert Camus

When Truth Hurts

One thing that can be said about working at an airport is that it highly educational. The mere amount of travelers from all corners of the globe, different cultures and languages gives you a better perspective of human behavior according to such backgrounds.

I overheard a small conversation between a mother and her little boy this morning. I didn’t hear the little boy’s question, but I did hear his mother’s answer which struck me for the first time in many-many years. She said; “because he doesn’t understand English, he has his own language and this is his country and you must understand and respect that.” Such simple truth, honest and by teaching her son to be respectful of another human being for the simple reason of language, culture and being in his/hers country as foreigners. I’m sad to say this seldom happens among most foreigners traveling through or living in other countries.

Now, going back to the video you’re about to watch I’m not sure how many of you have had a chance to see it, but it did struck me once more as truthful. Though a television show, the message is clear and it does not only apply to the subject matter of America being the greatest country in the world, but all countries. If you’ve had a chance to travel anywhere, I’m sure you noticed that such attitude as the one portrayed by the young woman asking the question and the subsequent answer of both politicians is prevalent everywhere. Just look at the Nordic countries (Norway, Denmark, and Sweden) and their attitude towards the rest of Europe, especially less developed ones. The message sent out by them is that of; We don’t want foreigners living here and lowering our standards of living by leaching on to our free social services. Go to Italy, Greece, Slovenia, Croatia, France and England and the prevailing sentiment is echoed in each of the aforementioned countries. Go visit the Balkans and watch how centuries old megalomaniac sectarian ideas of Greater Serbia, Greater Albania, Greater Greece, Greater Bulgaria, Croatia, Romania and Greater Macedonia(FYROM) continue to split and segregate these countries to the brink of another “cold war”. The rhetoric is the same everywhere; We Are the greatest country there is. Just like America, each European country clings to a feverish idea based on the past and not the present. Indeed many European countries where at one time or other superpowers during human history, yet the reality of the 21^st century is much-much different and they seem to be constitutionally adverse to admit their shortcomings. Portugal was once a great maritime superpower, so was Spain, England was an empire, Italy as well, Greece gave us civilization and democracy for better or for worse, France contributed to revolution and the demise autocracy for the sake of democracy and equal human rights just to see itself a few years later with yet another emperor. The list goes on and on and I would like to apologize to all the countries I failed to mention, though they must be.

Lost Souls – Black and White Erotica

“Sometimes in life, from out of a myriad of prosaic decisions like what to eat and where to sleep and how to dress, a true crossroads is revealed. In these moments, when the fog of relative irrelevancy lifts and fate rolls out a demand for free will, there is only left or right – no option of four-by-fouring into the underbrush between two paths, no negotiating with the choice that has been presented. You must answer the call and pick your way. And there is no reverse. ” ― J.R. Ward, Lover Avenged

Bruised II

Whatever bruises skin can not hide, underneath there’s a universe of deeper, darker pain – Lucianus 2013

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On Love, Loneliness and the Pursuit of the “Ideal” Person

Parenthesis

This is an answer to this post I reblogged yesterday by Frances Antoinette.

———————————————————————————————————————————————-Thank you Frances for understanding what I was trying to convey and for being so eloquent at quoting such wonderful words by someone I have heard of.

As much as I’ve tried to read the best of the best in world literature, I’ve lacked the opportunity do so, because I was never surrounded by people who read, or what they read was not my cup of tea. So most of my life I’ve always come across literary geniuses by coincidence, call it chance if you will, though I do not believe in chance nor coincidence. I believe the universe has a way of showing us something we need right there and then, and allow us to broaden our horizons reading works which express our own feelings in a much more eloquent and poetic way.

One thing I must say though, I never cared much for romantic literature, I prefer the dark and truth of reality, expressed in the most dark and truthful way possible. As one comic once said; polish a turd, it’s still a turd. As I mentioned before, loneliness is a choice, it might not be the right one, yet considering what the outside world, or even your close world of friends and family and acquaintances has to offer, it is best to be alone.

On the other hand, as far as feelings of love are concerned, I tried that once or twice and came to the realization it was not for me at all. After all what is love? How do you define love? What is that makes us fall in love? Let me tell you what it is that causes all that to “turn” into love; it’s loneliness, the unbearable feeling of being with one’s self, the echo of solitude within your four walls, the unbearable truths which surface where you cannot hide anymore. The voice of reason, the voice who speaks to you and tells you how worthy you are or not. It is the mirror of your own self being slapped right infront of you to show the devil inside. That is love, a miscella of fear, dependence and codependence. I’ve seen time and time again, all these lovers in love; it’s a joke, a farce laced with absurd deviation of what love truly is. How can you love and fall in love with another human being if you’re insecure within yourself in the first place? When you can’t even love yourself, or be able to look at yourself in the mirror and finally realize you love who you are? Why do such a people look for love on the outside, is it for validation, for comfort, for approval or else? Love, like any other emotion must have a reason to exist and if it doesn’t dies like anything else. We die, we change, and love does the same.

Somewhere Between Alone and Lonely III

Lucianus: – Don’t you ever dare tell me what and how I feel! You shall never understand the depth of my loneliness. The hungry void of a bottomless pit, eating me alive piece by piece in this…my miserable existence. Don’t you ever dare to even think you can understand the hole inside where a heart should be, for you have never felt like I have felt, and you have never been betrayed like I have been betrayed! If loneliness is indeed a choice, considering the options, is a damn good one. So, be gone, I have no need for self-righteous imbeciles – you are just as miserable as I am. The only difference is that I acknowledge it.

Somewhere Between Alone and Lonely II

No more tears of sadness

No screams of pain from wrongs past

Sole silence

Nothing forgiven nor forgotten

Yet, thy choice for a temporary truce is obvious

Time has come

Exist among these creatures of a forgetful god

This shall never be acceptance

Thus, it is more a resignation

One needs to stop running once in a lifetime.

(December 10th 2010 – Lucianus)

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Last Chat…

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Somewhere Between Alone and Lonely

“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.” ― Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

The Red Lantern

It has been a long beginning of the year so far, and it scares me to think what lay ahead. Before I begin to dwell upon my current situation let me give you an inside look into the world I now live in.

After 10 years of living in the States, I came back home to my country. Home and country are absolutely foreign words to me, as I’ve never felt home here nor have I felt this is my country I live in. I’ve always felt like a foreigner, an immigrant and a shadowy figure of my former self. I’m not going to dwell on the reasons why I came back, this would take another post, but what I wanted you to understand is what reality is here in this place. It is a place where archaic societal traditions of right and wrong still rule sublime. Where there is a large range of expressive homophobia. A patriarchal society and three religions, ambiguous and ambivalent of changing times. Now since I gave you a fast course of this place let me jump right in into my life as a gay man in such a society.

We all know the story of the young boy who felt different from an early age. The quiet, soft spoken, shy kind of boy, who kept to himself and preferred to stay home than go out and play with the other kids. Soon I realized my attraction to the same sex, and after a long inner struggle I accepted it. Yet, to this day I find myself barraged with inquisitory conversations from both my heterosexual, homosexual and bisexual friends as well as acquaintances. The question is always the same; have you ever had sex with a woman? My answer is always the truth, and it is a big fat NO. You will never imagine the looks on their faces; what do you mean no? You mean never ever? How come?

All About Love

It is fascinating and at the same time absolutely frightening how blind love is. It is said that love causes the same neurological patterns as that of insanity, and isn’t that the truth? It blinds you. It changes you. It eats you alive, piece by piece until nothing’s left of you. I say; to hell with love, to hell with it all! – Lucianus 2013

 

Picking Up The Pieces…

Most times a person moves ahead so fast, they forget you’re being left behind to pick up the pieces of their destructive, unstoppable, selfish force. – Lucianus 2013

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• No Mercy for Dead Cold Silence… (Cause and Effect) (idpm.wordpress.com)